(loneliness and failure)
I’m starting to feel really sad about the summer. There’s this connection when you “play house” with people for nine months, and I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with being separated from some of my closest friends.
I feel like everyone else has a plan, and I don’t. A few of my friends are taking summer school and/or working, and while I don’t need summer school to graduate in four years (plus it’s crazy expensive) it would be nice to have something to do. Not to mention I have yet to find a job. It’s like, so many doors have been closed, and while I wouldn’t say I’ve given 100% to finding somewhere to work this summer, I still have put a lot of effort into finding a job. That’s the other reason why I wish I was taking summer school; right now it’s easiest to apply for jobs on or near campus, but since I don’t have on-campus housing for the summer I’d have to commute from my grandma’s house, which by bus is about two and a half hours. By car? Not even thirty minutes. But guess who doesn’t have a car? Yeah, me.
Then, of course, I also applied to some places back home; one even called me for an interview, but since I couldn’t go back for when they were having the interviews and they wouldn’t let me do it a different day or over the phone, I basically had to give up my interview. The only way I can stay in San Diego is if I have a job, so it looks like I’m going home for the summer. I do miss my family, but after a week it’s going to be back to the nagging for employment and “Brooke, go and talk to such-and-such about hiring you” or “Brooke, see if so-and-so will pay you to babysit” and I don’t want to go groveling for work! Or, they’ll say “you should have started looking earlier”! Well, newsflash, I did! I started looking for jobs in January. But school is so busy and hard and I don’t have tons of time to go out job scouting, okay? I just don’t.
Some of my friends here have said that when I go home I’ll have my high school friends - the truth is, I don’t even know how many of them are going home. I know Yvonne is staying in San Diego, and I have this feeling that some of the others will be doing summer school or something. I’m so scared I’m going to go home to complete and utter loneliness. I don’t want to spend my summer chauffeuring my brother to and from water polo or being the house keeper; unfortunately, that’s probably what’s going to end up happening.
Then, I’m also a bit envious of my other friends here at school, the ones who are going to travel for at least a month after school gets out. China. Lebanon. Turkey. Mexico. Hell, even South Carolina. None of them have to worry about finding a job or something to do with their time this summer, because they already have plans. And I’m just extremely envious and I wish I wasn’t because then I feel horrible; my parents have done so much for me, and I feel like I’ve failed them in so many regards. If I can’t find a job, I should at least be getting stellar grades, but I’m not. They’re not horrible or anything, and while all my professors go “grades aren’t that important” I feel like screaming “YES THEY ARE!” Has anyone ever heard of pharmacy school? Graduate schools definitely look at grades, and I’m so terrified I’m not even going to get in at this rate, which will be another failure.
I’m just so sad right now, and I can’t even wallow properly because I need to get back to work. I’m just hoping things will get better.